What's actually going on?!

Sorry readers, this is my vent post again. Haiz.

It's been so many years and things still haven't pick up a bit, not even slightly smoother....

Now both my younger gal, coming 10 this year and myself are getting more and more hospital appointments with different specialists...my gal alone has follow-up for her asthma prob and uro and she is due for a kidney scan as well and what else I cannot recall off hand now.

As for myself, I have appointments starting from this month till June for a brain scan, nerve test at SGH, breasts and womb related at KK and heart scan at Heart Centre.

Alamak...so far, these are the ones which I can recall now...but it's already a handful, isn't it? :(

Anyway, my hubby's the most 'jialat' one la...pocket already got holes le, now? Don't know sell his a** got ppl want or not...hahaha...

Then my eldest gal, who is now 18, is jobless. I have tried to help create a resume and sent to many agencies and companies but still no news. I know it's not easy for her to get a job compared to others because she has only an 'N' level cert without any real working experience yet plus no special skill too. Of course I did warn her before that even ppl with good qualifications or experience is not easy to get a job nowadays too due to the economic crisis. Even told her to accept just any job that comes by first, better than being jobless which could be as long as a year also not surprising.

Next, my very adorable yet mischevious and pattern many many little 'daodan' baby boy...poor boy...he has this what chinese call 'zhen yan' - bak jiam in hokkien, a kind of eye infection for many months for his right eyes and now his left eye too. :( Has seen a number of pd and gp, had taken antibiotics and applied eye cream but still the same. No choice, sent him to KK to see an eye specialist and was told to have an op. Already scheduled a date for the op but I believe I will not be sending him for the op as I rejected it strongly. I'd rather he takes a longer time to heal (bad mummy, poor baby).

And now...my eldest gal and her dad had a fight again...now having cold war again I think.

She asked me for money again and told me not to let her dad knows and she requested me to allow her to go Thailand AGAIN! Previously when she asked, I do not agree...of course not la cos her intention is to go there and to 'meddle' with what ppl call it the 'gui gia'/'xiao gui' - little ghost! She said her friend has it and it's cute and fun all these...

Both my hubby and myself had told her umpteen times NOT to meddle with all this when she brought up the topic that she has the intention to get one too...alamak...just don't understand why now so big already still doesn't listen!

So when just now she brought this up again, I was so angry and disappointed that I told her that I'm not gonna bother anymore!

So mad and sad...

I had a hard time patching this pair of father and daughter up a few years back when they had cold war for about 1/2 a yr or more and now again?! Really faint! Worse is, the both of them are of the same kind also very stubborn type and quite an MCP type de...haiz...

Surrender...I really surrender le...haiz...
Can see lots of stars spinning and sparkling around?

Miss Me? Lol

Hi All,

Long time 'no see' le...

Well, luck has never been on my side for many years and now even worse. Since last year, most of the things in my house are either down, damaged or life shelf's up...haiz.

Worse thing is, my two main communication 'devices' died on me too - my hp and pc...alamak!

Finally gotten my hp back from the service centre (after more than ONE MONTH!) and borrowed a monitor from a friend of my hubby's (initially thought may be the graphic card or what but just borrow a monitor to test lucky is monitor prob, so it makes things easier now). So, finally, get to use my pc again hence update here to let all readers know that I am actually still kicking and alive lol =p

Bought a set of cartoon vcds about Ji Gong Buddha as the offer is great. 10pcs of vcds for the price of less than one! Hehe... The good thing is, not only my gal loves watching it, even the baby and my dad (the old baby lol) love it too. =)

Am thinking of bringing my gal for a movie today as she has not been to one for a long while.

Will update you guys again, need to rush off le. Cya and take care!! =)

The Ultimate Magic Illusion Show

We were given some complimentary tickets to watch the "ULTIMATE MAGIC" - SINGAPORE'S FIRST PERMANENT ILLUSION SHOW" by JC Sum and Ning at Clarke Quay, The Arena for our family. Hey mind you, it's not cheap ok! The tickets cost $55/adult and $27.50/child (all comes with a free drink)! So can calcualte how much it would cost for the whole family to go and watch such a show. Wow!



Initially we had no idea that it was illusion magic. We thought it was just those normal kind of magic tricks and were shocked and confused why would such a magic show costs so much! Well, now we know, because they aren't any normal magic. We really did not know what to expect until we have watched the show. But it is a good experience and exposure for our family I would say and...what a pretty babe! *drool* + envy...hahaha...

This is not like any other normal magic show which you have watched before. It is something like what the famous 'illusionist'/magician, David Copperfield who teleported himself at/to (?) the China's Great Wall.

Although the show did not give us much 'wow wow' as we had anticipated some of the 'tricks' and for some others, we simply do not quite believe it and we thought it may have something to do with the advanced technology =P

But a pity, I don't find the show 'high' enough for us and that it's a bit too short. I really expected something more and something more exciting...keke... I was also lucky that my baby did not make noise else I'll be 'invited' outside and won't be able to catch the show. Heng ah.

Anyway, it's really an eye-opener for us as we had only watched David Copperfield from tv programs, especially our darling (younger gal). I think she was most amazed at the things the couple did. LOL. She was also quite embarrassed as she was invited by Sum to go on stage to assist him in one of his magic. In fact, she was not only embarrassed but was quite angry as well. Why? Because Sum was 'taking' coins from some parts of her body and one of the parts required her to put her arms on her waist, bent the knees a bit and 'popped' out came the coins...from her butts...so you say, will she be embarrassed and angry? Hahahahaha...

We tried to tell her not to put it to heart and this is such a rare opportunity (not to be embarrassed la) to be able to go on stage to assist an illutionist, not just a magician, and is considered a popular one in Asia too. This is something that not everyone get to have the chance but she did!

After a few coaxing after the show, she then relaxed a bit...haiyo...she dare not even talk or ask the couple (not even the babe) anything. She was just too shy to do so and expect me to do so but I refused.

Anyway, we really enjoyed ourselves that night and even got the chance to see some of the decorated boat at Clarke Quay which we never have the chance to (not even Chinatown nor Chinese Garden *frown*). But our poor children were dead tired...and the poor parents too LOL.

A TERRIBLE n MAD Woman now... =(

Now is already almost 11pm and I have not even taken my dinner yet. Just settled both my darlings...

I am getting more and more moody and down, always crying while showering or cry myself to sleep. Am always hiding to cry myself to...don't know what also...just feel super down and sad. Too many things have been weighing on me, really find it tough to '放下'. I am good in preaching but I can't do it myself...

I also have to act a tough one in front of others, even show a happy face when deep inside my heart, I am already bleeding profusely and full of holes...I am feeling terrible...

Recently have read some news on cruelties to babies or children and I will feel very angry and sad about it but hey, am I any better than those stupid cruel ppl who ill-treated, seriously abused or killed the babies or children? I AM NO BETTER!

I am always abusing my younger gal too...I am always verbally abusing her...I am always hurting her with my words...I can say all kinds of very cruel and hurtful words to her...it's like...if I do not hurt her I am not happy kind...

Am I her biological mother?! I am! Sure I am but WHY am I doing this to her when she is considered a good and sensible child already(although she had deteriorated, not as good as before). I don't even do this to my eldest gal although she is always giving me headache!

May be it's because now my younger gal is staying with us and so she is an easier 'target' plus she's weaker? I don't know why...WHY WHY WHY! Why must I let history repeat itself! My mother used to ill-treat me, always vent her anger on me and even treated me as transparent and now I am mentally torturing my own blood and flesh!!!

I am like a devil...I am getting more terrible nowadays...so much so that I even HATE MYSELF TO CORE!!! What right and who am I to get angry with ppl who are almost the same as me or I may be even worse than them?!

I am always having thoughts of killing myself...

I JUST HATE MYSELF!!!

I am really a terrible mother...a monster...a witch...a devil...when a 'mother' is supposed to be the most protective and loving being and is always the first to be with her child/children when something happens but ME????

In China, they would have said:" 这种人应该抓去枪毙！！！ "

Yes, how I wish...

What is happening to me? What should I do now? I really couldn't control myself anymore and medications not working for me!!!! What should I do? I really feel like dying...I am always crying myself to sleep...

I feel so lonely...so helpless...so useless and worthless...not surprising if one day I suddenly 'disappear', no more posting in forum and no more blog entries from me at all...then you all may guess that I could have been gone forever for good...

Seriously, I mean, why should ppl like me be alive to torture and be a burden of those around me? Why should their life or future be ruined because of me? Everyone would be spitting at me right now if I was the one in the news that had brought some terrible harm or caused the death of a child or whatever or whoever...so why pity this kind of ppl?

Pls, I seriously am pleading for HELPPPPPPP!!! Can someone just kill me for goodness sake!!! It's not that I dare not die...I have 'died' a few times but I just didn't die in the end. My time's not up yet or my eight characters are just too 'tough' (命硬 ). I also do not wish to commit suicide in case my younger gal will thought that she was the one who had brought upon my death and thus will feel guilty and remorseful then I dare not think what will she become after that...but if I am being killed is different. Things could be much better....

I really can't think anymore...yesterday's headache was enough to kill me but it did not...I always have such headache non-stop for 24hrs or more...continuously....NON-STOP. It's still there when I go to sleep and wake up with the pain still there...

Am thinking of seeking the help of a hypnotist but no recommendation...not sure how is it like and if it's expensive or I should try changing to another psychiatrist to see if things improve? It's not that I do not bother...for the sake of my children, I wanted, I wish and needed help for myself but...

I AM AT A LOST AGAIN....haiz... =(

Perspective View 观点 = 论点

I believe many ppl have noticed, or in fact, we ourselves are always complaining about this and that or not happy over that and this, always feeling the unjustiness and why is this so and not so or vice versa.

Why is this so? Because our life now is so much more better than before since most ppl are able to afford so many things now and can even always go for a tour at least once a year (ok, now I may seem like 'complaining' cos I never get the chance to do so, not even the nearest one, ya la, envying la actually haha)?

There are so many examples which I can start off with, hope that it will not arouse any unhappiness among some group of ppl or arguement as these are just my very own view on life.



Someone was very unhappy because her colleague cum good friend was given a much higher bonus and pay increase than her and the reason to be unhappy over this instead of being happy for her friend was she was the one who had gotten her friend into her company and so they worked in the same department. Now, this relationship was strained because of this. All along she was thinking that since she was the one who recommended her friend into the company and she worked longer than she was, she should be getting more bonus and pay increase than her instead but now it had turned out this way. Her friend, on the other hand, was feeling very 'guilty' over this so she approached the top management asking not to have the pay increase and bonus....

Ok, you have read this far and I believe there are at least 3 groups of ppl here with different thoughts and feelings. One group that feels for the one who 'digged her own grave', another group who thinks the one who had gotten the bonus and higher pay increase being stupid and silly and the group who feels nothing to either party.

IF. I am saying IF there is only Right or Wrong to most issues, why then there are always a different answer, different view and even different solution to that one issue???

All of us grow up in a different environment, different families, different sets of moral values, different education (some went overseas, some study in international sch...) and in the process of growing up, each of us will have different exposure to different things and ppl, thus having different experiences in things and ppl...

Because of these, of course our mind-set and attitude towards all things and ppl are different which will affect our views.

Let's imagine we are sitting in a circle with an object at the centre. Due to the different angles that we sit, the object we view are definitely different, even a rounded object is not spared because even if the object still looks exactly the same from all angles, but do not forget, due to the lighting and all, there will still be some differences to the object such as some parts may be 'darker/dimmer' or 'lighter/brighter'.

Below is a story which I would like to share with you but it is in Chinese. My apologies to those who are not able to read Chinese.

和尚和女人的故事

从前，有个老和尚带着小和尚下山去化缘。

走到一条大河边的时候，看见有个妇女很焦急的 站在河边不能过河。于是老和尚走上去帮助她，背着她过了河，然后继续往前走。

小和尚看到这样的情形，心中顿生疑惑。走了很远的一段路了，终于忍不住问老和 尚：“师父，我们不是有戒律是男女授受不亲吗？你为什么还要背女人过河呢？”

老和尚叹道：路都走了这么远,我早已放下，你却还没放下。。。


In this story the older monk was only purely having the mindset of helping the woman, nothing to do with lust or sort while the younger monk was just 'sticking' to the rules. Was the older or younger monk in the wrong or both or both are not in the wrong? You think yourself.

So what am I trying to tell or prove? Nothing actually. I was only trying to voice out my own view because I saw many comments on many ppl which I feel personally that we...ok, me. I would always try to understand the whole scenario first before jumping to any conclusion or suspicions.

Take an instance. I know some devotees or followers who 'offer' (sorry, not sure of the correct term for it) the monks/masters cars or watches etc. To some ppl, they may find it unacceptable because they feel that 'real' monks are not supposed to accept such things while some think that it is ok since ppl offered, it's not as though the monks bought it themselves. Who's right or wrong? I can only say these are all ppl's different perspective views, no right or wrong.

How about the monks/masters? Well, I only know that some accept it just because they are offerings, NOT because they are merz or rolexes, it's just because they are simply transport while the other one tells you time (now, don't tell me they do not need any transport or the need to know time too). In this case, it is quite similar to the above Chinese story while for the rest who do not belong to this category, I cannot comment much, so I will not further talk or elaborate more on this case. Period.

This is also part of the reason why I prefer to mention this after the story and not before so that...hopefully readers are able to better understand what I am trying to write on how I feel towards such cases.

*Note : These are all just MY OWN PERSPECTIVE VIEW, without any intention to argue on any statement, anyone or what ever sorts. Thank you.

Yippee!!!

Yeh! I finally know...ya...FINALLY...know how to tweak the designs or skins of my blog better than before!
Well, but it seems like I have taken too long to really know how to do better

Anyway, hope you guys like my new blog skin. =)

Do come back often to check out my blog ya...take care guys! Cya again! =D

WHO 'should' be dying instead?!?!?!

What kind of luck are we really having? It's been for years...and each year it's getting worse.

NOW....

My eldest gal feel like dying cos of relationship problem (not boy girl though but girl girl - whenever dis 2 gals wanna ditch her, she will be 'crazy' and always thinking and even attempted to die haiz)...

My youngest gal also feel like dying due to stress and unhappiness from some teachers and peers...and...ok, I admit, sometimes from me too as I always yelled and screamed at her...I was not able to control as I had not been on any medication or treatment for quite some time as my psychiatrist was on holiday.... =(

Today, my hubby had an accident and I'm partly responsible because a few days ago I already had the instinct that he may have an accident but I did not tell, not even warned him anything about it. If I did, at least this accident can (may) be avoided, but fortunately he was not injured. A-Mi-Tuo-Fo...

Haiz...

Gals, you all do not have to die...

I SHOULD BE THE ONE!!!

I should be the one and I am and I WANT to die!!

All of you do not have to die...PLEASE...

I have a weak heart too, not just weak health...and not forgetting my unstable and weak mental health and state.

I really couldn't take all these anymore...I still have more things and important things to worry about...

Just let me die...

I am more than willing to replace all of you to leave this family and world to that far away place...which I do not even know where too...or is there such a place that really exists??? But anyway, I think I should and will be in HELL after I've died...if such place really do exists...which I personally believe it does....

Darling's Birthday Party

As mentioned earlier, my darling (younger gal) held her very first BBQ birthday party at my uncle's condo for her 9th birthday.

I had prepared lots of goodies bags and some balloons for the children. Oh my, it was really tedious to even just pump the balloons and still got to tie some of them onto a stick for the younger kids.

*Faint* cos out of breath and strength le. Haha.

Here's some of the updates of the day : D

Birthday girl posing with friends

"Hey, who are you?! How dare you 'kidnap' me!"


'You shall be beheaded for kidnapping me!"
(my poor buddy! haha)

"Ok, CUT! Good take!"
Posing for the 'reporters' after 'filming'. Hahaha

Bought for my gal as her birthday present by my aunt-in-law.

But had spelt my gal's name wrongly...but it's ok.
I'm just more than happy to receive such a nice cake for my gal
which she never had before : )

Birthday girl was feeling rather shy yet happy cutting the cake
in front of so many ppl for the 1st time : )


Everyone was busy helping out to cut and distribute the cake but...
mummy's missing in action (MIA)!
(Mummy went into hiding liao wahahaha)

After cutting the cake, I had some games for the kids and they enjoyed it a lot but a bit 'regretted' and feeling guilty because by that time, many of the guests with kids had already left. We had not checked the time for that day, all was too busy entertaining either with the guests or like for me, our Prince (la)! *blush*

Flat Hunting

Too many things have happened all these years. Now I am trying to look for a suitable (and of course cheaper one) flat when ever I have the spare time. With an active and clingy baby, it's indeed tough enough and I will be more than happy if I can even have some time to do more house work.

Why?

Besides being clingy, he doesn't sleep long too. For about ONCE a day (sometime not even once), normally after his shower time, he may get to sleep for about an hour or slightly more but for the rest of his naps, he's just like taking a wink - btw 10min - less than 1/2hr = ( Although I leave him to cry for most of the time while I do my work, but it's really very annoying and irritating so no choice, sometimes gotta carry him while I do my work. He's really too clingy and attention seeking le. :_ ( I know may be this is just a phase but it's enough to drive me crazy plus another girl whom I have to always keep an eye on to make sure she does her homework etc. Haiz.

Ok, anyway, I shall get to the point and stop beating around the bush.

I am now trying to look for a flat (downgrading, no choice cos sometimes we do not have enough to pay for the monthly installment) that suits us and preferably with a primary school CLOSE BY (not just near by :p )

Some of you may ask what has all the unhappinesss and unlucky happenings to do with the house. Well, I will not, am not and do not intend to explain and tell you guys (don't hit me!). We just need to move. Period.

Pray that my flat hunting goes smoothly. But...still do not think it's that easy to find one that's : ai(4) qi(1) ai(4) pi(1) goh(4) ai(4) gu(2) mai(4) jia(3) neh(1) - cheap and good. Keke. Anwyay, all the best to my flat hunting! Ah Mi Tuo Fo!

Shattering...

Really shattered.

Brought my younger girl to see the psychiatrist and we were told to fetch her back from school instead of letting her go back home on her own.

My guess is, because my girl had mentioned on quite a number of occasions that she is dying or wanting/feeling like dying, that's why we were requested to fetch her as he's afraid that by going home on her own may give her the chance to do some silly things such as committing suicide if she's thinking of doing so. So by fetching her back will help to prevent this from happening.

................

Why are there so many problems and troubles in our family (or house?) All one after another, then in sets and strings of it...haizz.

Just now my girl cried heart-breakingly that she is very upset and stressed, and that she didn't know what to do anymore. Her school mates and classmates teased her, misunderstood and wronged her again. Although she had tried to explain herself for those misunderstanding/wronged issues, they simply refuse to listen and continued teasing and saying her. Even her teachers have also wronged or misunderstood her at times and she was even scolded too.

She is really very stressful and is becoming more and more negative. I am very worried and scared as I can see some shadows of mine in her now. I do not want her to follow my 'footsteps'.

Sometimes I've been wondering why her destiny is almost the same as mine - so 'pai mia' type. Why ppl always like to bully and wrong/misunderstand us although we are always sincere, kind and helpful towards ppl?

Same like my younger girl, I was a timid girl too. We dare not speak up for ourselves when we are being bullied or wronged by ppl. Like last night, my girl had waited for about an hour or more for her turn to play the xbox in a shopping mall. The boy who was playing when she Q there did not pass the controller to her but to another boy who was behind my girl's Q. So this goes on. All of them passed the controller to others but not my girl and she just kept quiet, daren't ask for it although it was her turn long ago! This wasn't the first time. It had happened many times already. Haizz.

What can I say or do? We have done what we could and should and as for our children, we have advised and taught them what ever we can and know.

I also know it wouldn't be 100% fate (if destined to be so) if we try to do something about it. We CAN change it, although not fully, but at least better. But...

Now our family is like a house slowly losing it's column that's supporting the structure of a house. I feel like it's going to collapse anytime soon....REAL SOON...

I just pray hard that my girl will not do anything silly. I 'threatened' her that we really love her so much that we cannot afford to lose her. But if she's really dying, we will follow next and leave her baby brother all alone in this world without anyone to care for and look after him. She said :"NO, CANNOT!" Then I replied,"Or may be I'll bring him along too...". She said no again and I think this works (I thought so and hope so) as she loves her baby brother a lot.

Hope her baby brother can be part of a power source for her to live on and brace up. Haizz...

Falling Apart

Things are starting to 'fall apart' for me now...my health, my kids, my family, our finance bla bla bla...

I am also 'distancing' myself with my religion and healing skills....

I do not pray at home anymore, not even chanting or what ever (yet I can ask my girl to try to pray and chant everyday if she can)...

I did not even use my healing power to try healing my children, husband or myself whenever they or myself are not feeling well (even my girl who knows also did not heal for us or herself unless I told her to do so)...

I hardly read nowadays...

I hardly surf net nor check my mails nowadays...

I hardly bother myself with my girls anymore...

I hardly bothered with anything...

I have even stopped taking my medication, which I am not supposed to...

I....

What else can I say?

That I have given my life and myself up? Probably...

I seem to be 'waiting' for 'something'...but I do not have any concrete idea on that...

I always have a kind of feeling...a feeling that I am like a plant, slowly dying off...that I am like a battery...one that is slowly losing it's power...

Am I waiting for my dooms day? No idea.

Or is something really waiting for me? No idea.

If yes, what can that be? I seem to have been assigned some great responsibility on me. Nope, I do not mean my family or children. It's something else, but I do not know what's that. Yet on the other hand, I have a feeling that I am really 'dying' like that. I just feel so weak...mentally, emotionally and physically.

I dislike these feelings. Unforseen type. WHY am I able to see (or rather, predict) others but not myself? Is this what the Chinese say "能医人却不能自医” （can cure/heal others but not ownself)？

I really hate it. Everything and everyone's been affected by me. By my health and emotion.

NASTY ME!!! I REALLY HATE MYSELF!!!

Super Duper ANGRY!!!

I really cannot understand my mother-in-law (will quote as "mil") and at times I am quite mad with her too although I dare not voice out to her.

Just now my eldest dear called me up crying. She kept asking me for her biological mum's contact number which I do not have. Who will have it when she had abandoned my eldest gal when she was still a baby and had lost contact since!

I asked her for the reason and why was she crying.

She said my mil told her to mop the floor today but as she was sleeping, she did not plus she was not sure if the floor was mopped. I think may be my mil nagged or what so my dear raised her voice at her (as usual, haiz) and my mil scolded her things like (all direct Hokkien translation) :"You got no parents give birth one!", "You are worse than a dog!", "You die I also won't bother!"....

Can you all imagine these words actually came out from the grandma's mouth when my eldest gal is her precoius one?!

Very cruel and 'poisonous', isn't it?

I am really very angry with my mil. Why must such cruel and hurtful words come out from her mouth? She may scold her, I'm not saying cannot but she could have used some other words but not these kind of cruel and hurtful words right?!!

Too bad I cannot scold my mil and lucky she is my mil and my elder somemore. If she is just my friend she is sure to get it from me! I told my hubby not to scold my eldest gal (because she was the one who started scolding and yelling at my mil) as she said he is sure to put all the blame on her say it's her fault ONLY since she's the one who started it. I also told my hubby go and have a good talk with my mil and remind her that if she is going to say such kind of words to my eldest gal again, she'd better not regret if one day something bad really happens as when it really happens, no matter how she cries her heart out also too late le.

My poor gal. Hope she is feeling much better now. I had such a hard time calming her down by explaining things to her. Haiz.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!

Haiz. Eldest dear still giving us headache although she is big now. Just one more year to go and she's gonna be 18 and yet she's still so insensible.

She is still so unreasonable and a tyrant. She is still expecting ppl to give in to her or tolerate her etc. She is always the one receiving receiving receiving but never once is she willing to give.

We had enough. I will not ask or expect my younger gal to continue giving in to her. I will just leave things as it is. Too unfair to my younger gal too. But I believe my gal will still continue to give in to her sis and tolerate her but I will not 'expect' or make sure she does that kind of thing.

Too many things had happened and now I am really, truly very disappointed in my eldest gal. Really very upset and hurt.

Some of my initial plan shall do without her now, if that is what she really prefers. That's it. Enough is enough. Call me a bad stepmother or what ever. I DON'T CARE NOW. I've done my very best for these 10 over years. What ever I can do I have done, even much more than I should have and even my younger gal has NEVER gotten such attention and care from me before. I am really very tired now. No more energy left le.

I have done more than other family members so I should not feel guilty or bad on myself anymore. I WILL and AM telling myself that from now on. I only hope I will not be so soft-hearted again if there's anything again. NO WAY! I MUST remind myself this.

Many of you out there must be wondering what has really happened for me to make such decision. Well, too many things. I am also not sure if I can and if my life is long enough to see her 'automatically' or suddenly become sensible and grow up.

I just do not want to repeat the same mistake again - by saving one but doing harm to another one. My Maths is very poor. Super duper poor but this time round it's time for me to 'wake up'. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY WRONG!!!

NO. This is not going to happen again. To save one but hurt and harm another. NOPE. That's it. I shall and will leave things as it is now.

I've done my best. I've done so much more than the rest of the family members when they have either given up or almost given up on my eldest gal while I did not.

I do not owe anyone or myself anything. I will not destroy/harm the family or any other family members just because of ONE person. Wrong calculation. No one can help her if she has no intention to change or help herself at all. I am at my wits' end and I do not have that kind of good health to do any more things. Everything is beyond my control now. She is big enough to understand and know certain things, situation and circumstances. What ever I can explain and teach I've done it. If she's still taking ppl and things for granted, still not willing to change even a single bit, then there's nothing I can do anymore. She is big enough to learn what is call responsibility.

May Buddha bless. Haiz.

Din Know That It Is This Tough!

Having a party or a BBQ is a tough one...and I'm having a BBQ birthday party for my 2nd darling which she had requested. Gosh, indeed tough and it's worse for our pockets :(

We will be having the BBQ at my uncle's condo where they helped us to book the pit. Some of the relatives will be there earlier, before the BBQ, which will only start around evening time so that the kids can play and swim. It is not easy to organise one. There are so many things and food to prepare and coordinate. Fortunately for my side, my aunties are helping me out as they have maids. I am really very grateful to them but I feel bad as they do not want me to pay them. I feel even more so for my 4th Aunt-In-Law as the total amount which she is paying for the things come up to around $100+ which include the booking of the pit, charcoal, some food and my darling's birthday cake. The cake alone already cost $70+!!

I had no idea about that then. My aunt-in-law only told me that we do not have to buy a cake for our darling as she will order a cake for her as well besides preparing some of the BBQ stuff. My dad was the one who told me about it and I had a shock! I asked him what kind of cake is that that can cost so much because from what I know, it's not a huge cake. Haizz. Really feeling very bad now and they insisted on NOT wanting me to pay them and for my this aunt-in-law she was saying that this is considered as her present to my darling as she will not be getting one for her, so the food and cake prepared counts. Wow, what a big and expensive present for a young gal like my darling. When my darling heard about this, she felt bad too and even commented :"I shouldn't have this BBQ party if Iknow this...". Silly girl, but her words made my heart warm as this shows that she is a sensible gal. To make the BBQ interesting and to keep the children occupied, I even thought of some games but so far I can only think of 3 .

Anyway, hope everything turns out well and smooth and everyone will enjoy themselves to the fullest!

Darlings' B'DaySSS

All my darlings' birthdays are coming soon in tow.

My eldest's do not wish to have any BBQ at my uncle's condo as she knows very well that both her friends and herself may be rejected by the guards there plus her friends are mostly in the East side while my uncle's place in the North. Ok, fine, so we may be having some buffet lunch with our own family instead including the grandparents and aunties.

As for the 2nd one, we'll be having the BBQ at my uncle's condo. This is one of her wishes - to have a birthday celebration with her friends. Well, ok, we will grant her wish this year...after 9 years. Poor fellow...haha. But not with her friends though but her 'aunties' and 'uncles' - my cousins who are around her age. Should let her enjoy with some other kids too. She's too lonely le...really poor fellow and she's so over the moon when she knows her BBQ birthday celebration is on. Well, should de. She's considered a very good and sensible girl already. = )

As for the Prince Piglet, wow, his would be a grand one lor with at least 100 over guests *sweat*. But cannot afford expensive food and place. Buffet lunch at our void deck alone is enough to 'kill' us le. = ( No choice, it's his one year old celebration, it's a 'must'. What to do, haiz.

Then lastly right after my prince it's my Ah Lao's - hubby. As per normal, will just get him a gift and makan session. Nothing great but at least every year his is better than mine, with NO celebration and gift at all = (

Pockets' holes already bigger than the pockets itself le but it will just continue to 'rip' on...hahaha... = p

大家开心就好 = D

My Darlingsss

Now my baobei Prince Piglet is 10 months old but is getting lazier, more mischievous and playful.

Previously he will pat his tummy to show hungry besides saying "mum mum". But now, he will pat his chest for EVERYTHING such as 'scared scared', 'hungry', when coughing or almost choking etc (he will pat your chest too if you are coughing while carrying him lol).

So we will have to guess what is he actually referring to now except for hungry cos he will still say "mum mum". Haha. Oh yes, and he's one glutton one =D

He is also very playful and mischievous as well cos he likes to play catching a lot, be it he is the catcher or us (yes, he knows who is who, when he is the one or when he is not). While playing, if we are tired or just stopped to watch some tv programs, he will purposely come and beat us, tap us then run away again, telling us to continue with the play. He will also come to you to let you know that he wants to play the catching game and he will also tries to tempt you to catch him too.

Yes, he has grown and knows more things but he is also having 'flower legs' now too. I only brought him downstairs on 2 occasions and now he is always asking to take to keys to open the door to bring him down or out. Haiz.

As for my 2 other darlings, well, the eldest one still the same and my 2nd one is still idling her whole school holidays away playing, and watching tv programs =(

All my 3 darlings birthday...oh, plus one more old darling (ah lao-hubby), q-ing up "in tows".

My eldest darling's in Jun, 2nd one in Jul and both my baby and hubby's in Aug. =)

Yup, gonna be busy busy busy busy again...they song but I terok lor haha.

I'm Back...from IMH

So many things had happened...again....

"WHY did you bring these in here! We provide everything here! All these cannot bring in one!"

...What the heck, how the hell would I know?!?!?! And pls STOP treating me like a criminal!

"Girl, do you have any towel? Do you know where to get one?"

...I turned around and was shocked and scared because some one, the so-call most kpo patients in the ward, staring at me while I was taking my shower!!!


Well, yes, these, happened in a hospital...namely...IMH - INSTITUTE OF MENTAL HEALTH located at Hougang.

I was admitted to IMH, some Hokkiens call it as the 'siao lang geng' (a place for the crazy ppl). NO freedom, NOTHING...and you are treated like one of the criminals, not even food and drinks allowed inside the ward.

There is an open area just outside the ward where you can receive your 'guests', sit and eat and chat with them, which is also an area where you 'rest and relax' and have your meals there.

Inside the ward, you'll 'shudder' because it is very very 'cold'...the feeling, I mean. It is SOOOO empty with nothing except for the beds for the patients to sleep on and lockers, period. Not even side tables.

There is a fixed schedule for everything from taking showers to having meals and sleep. You are NOT ALLOWED to go in and out between the ward and the open area as and when you like. Not even when you are very drowsy. Just rest on the chairs or sofa in the open area if it is not time for the patients to go inside the ward yet and you can expect to stay out there for at least 1/2 a day!

It can still be considered as a stigma having to see a psychiatrist, not to mention staying in one such SPECIALISED hospital although most of us in Singapore are better educated than before and a more 'open-minded' society. A shame or a pity? Civilised or uncivilised? Cultured or ??? Lots of question marks. What ever ppl call it. I am still blogging this PERSONAL experience of mine in there regardless of the stigma as I hope, sincerely wish that no one will be admitted in there. It is definitely not a very pleasant place to 'stay'. I'd rather you ppl, who need such help and treatment, to be admitted to TTSH if need be, rather than this place. FRIGHTENING, although it has indeed cured many others similar.

I am just 'admitting' that I was admitted into the institute, and had been before even before this time.

Diagnosis?

Well...

Major Depression and Schizophrenia.

These were noted down on my files...or rather, the psychiatrists'.

So...then...I (ME) had a very small argument with the psychiatrists (PSY)...below is a partial 'conversation' between the psychiatrists and myself...


ME : "WHAT makes you so sure and HOW can you confirm that the things which I always hear, see and smell are NOT for real but are just some hallucinations of mine?"

PSY : "If while you are here on treatment and we observed that you are still hearing, seeing and smelling things which we could not see, hear or smell, then it's HALLUCINATIONS!"

Me : "BUT if it is some supernatural doings, which I know ppl from medical field will not agree and admit unless proven, and NOT everyone has this kind of ability, and while in here I do not have such experience doesn't mean it does not exist as this kind of thing may not happen every day, every time, every where!"

I am a bit agitated by now...


Anyway, the 'conversation' wasn't a very pleasant one, with some 'arrows' shooting here and there and exchanges of some unhappy and 'wierd' expressions.

What ever. I asked for discharge after ONE WHOLE WEEK'S of stay over there telling them that I will really go crazy if I stayed on!

Definitely NOT a pleasant place to have your 'holidays' or 'resort' as my friend call it! *rolling eyes*

Pls...it is definitely a MUST to seek treatment and professional help if you really need one but try NOT to stay in IMH (come sue me!). May be I am timid. May be I hardly mix around with ppl (sure not with these type of really mentally unstable ones). May be.....SHARKS! What ever may bessssss there are! Just DO NOT ever get in there! Go TTSH! Go CGS or where ever you think is a better place to really recuperate and rest but NOT IMH! You want details? I can give but I'd rather not. Do not wish to frighten ppl nor wish to 'remind' myself of the frights and unhappy events and happenings in there.

I'm NEVER EVER gonna go back there ever ever again in this life (not the next or next next either!) except for collecting my medication and seeing the psychiatrists there.

AH MI TUO FO!!

My Baby Prince Piglet's Growth Progress

Our baobei Prince Piglet is finally 9 months old! This precious darling of ours is one very impatient one and is quite mischievous at times cos he will try to make you laugh or when you are angry with him, sometimes he will try to make you smile or make you not to be so angry like that...haha...naughty boy!

But he is definitely one stubborn one I'll say. Some people call it as "GL" (Guxi Lxn in hokkien). For instance, if you wanted him to do or say something, most of the time he will not do it but when you have stopped requesting or not asking him to do so, he WILL do it *grrr*...

Not only these but he is also already a 'bully' at this tender age and he also 'knows' who he can bully. The first victim is his very own sister! Why? Because his sis pampers him too much, not just dote! *angry* (although happy too) . My younger gal is over protective towards her baby brother and will give in to him most of the time. Already explained to her that this is not going to do any good to her baby brother in future and that he will always bully her since he knows that she dotes on him so much and that he will always have his way most of the time if the sis is around ((already bullying her now but she says never mind *rolling eyes* and she also does not allow us to scold or beat him even when he is naughty, she will be very angry with us if we are angry over her baby brother...haizz...wonder to be happy or sad or...headache)

Ok, his 'pattern' apart...let's see what are the things that he is able to do up till this stage when he has JUST turn 9mths old (those that I still remember I will state the age he starts to do/know those things).....


1. Spoken wise, the MOST commonly words that he uses are 'ma/ma ma', 'mum/mum mum', 'ah ma' (the ma and mum already started when he was abt 4 mths old), 'neh/neh neh' and 'ah ba'...the rest not so often used so will not update here :)

2. Understands most words/instructions such as MRT, birds, bathe/pom pom, poo poo/ng ng, lie down, down, turn/turn over, take out pacifier, pray/bai bai Buddha etc etc etc...(abt 2 or 3mths old onwards - depending on the words/instructions)

3. Gai Gai - will look at the gate and if he is near the gate, will try to hold the handle to try to open it (a few months ago).

4. Bai Bai (pray) and Buddha - if you mention about Buddha or bai bai he will close his hands together and pray - like gong xi gong xi like that (abt 7mths old then we teach him bai bai)

5. Able to wave good-bye but his good-bye is almost similar to when he is asking you to go over to him - 'come' or 'come here' (these few months?)

6. Able to understand if you ask him where he drops the item and he will 'tell' you by looking at the ground/area where he dropped it (a few months ago)

7. Able to hold his own bottles (around 2mths+)

8. Will turn his head to the direction of the things or people you asked (abt 3 or 4mths)

9. When holding his hands, instead of sitting (which is our intention), he will straight away stand up (think around 4 or 5mths start he is always like this most of the time even till now)

10. Able to pull himself up (standing or 1/2 standing type) on his cot

11. Sometimes will also sing along when you sing to him (his own baby language la), especially bed time :D (this one think he started ard 3mths old?)

12. When changing him, he will automatically pass the object that he is holding to the other hand when it is that hand's 'turn' to 'come out' from the sleeve. But when he is too engrossed with the object or just simply 'boh charp', you just have to tell him to 'change hand' and he will do so (a few months ago).

13. When taking off his pants, he will automatically take out his own legs (a few months ago).

14. Will either point to you, tap or hit you to tell you where he wants to go - like to the kitchen, the gate or to a certain room to watch someone doing something or what ever (a few months ago)

15. Sometimes will imitate you, especially sounds. Like if you make a sound that sounded like a monster, he will do so too (these two mths more often)

16. When playing with him, he will show you part of the action which means he wants you to play that with him again after you have stopped (a few months ago)

17. Sometimes he will PURPOSELY do things which you are 'afraid' of or 'dislike' to you and will smile or laugh heartily when his trick 'worked' on you. Eg. he will purposely raise his legs up towards his jiejie's face and when his jiejie shows him the kind of expression and says "chow chow" (smelly), he'll be so happy cos he knows his jiejie is 'afraid' of his 'smelly' legs...hahaha... (more so from abt 4mths old onwards)


Still got a lot more but basically these are some of the common things that he is always doing and most of the things mentioned above are mostly starting from when he was about 4months old but although he has just turned 9mths old, he is still not really crawling yet cos he dislikes being on tummy and one very lazy one. Whenever he had sort of pushed his legs forward for about 2 steps (crawl) he will get frustrated and use the rolling over method to reach his 'destination' cos to him this is faster...haizz...anyway, all babies are different, so will just let nature take it's own course. :)

怨妇。。。

"Please! Can you faster go bathe and eat or not!!!"

"Do you want to learn your tingxie and spelling?! Why can't you just auto a bit! Can't auto and still need to call and call and call! Even keep reminding and asking you to learn you still don't want to learn!!..."

"STOP giving this kind of look!..."

"STOP all these craps!!..."

"Have you packed your bag and prepared your uniform for tomorrow!..."

"Please la use your eyes and brain can or not!!!..."

......

不知怎的，最近的脾气比以前的还要暴躁，还要坏。。。也 super duper 特没耐性，好像更年期一样。。。结果最可怜的当然还是我的宝贝女儿啦。更糟的是，有时连我的宝贝宝宝也遭殃哦。。。唉。

难道真得非得回去看我的精神科医生不可吗？可是我承受不了那些副作用啊，而且也没人帮忙我看孩子和宝宝，打针治疗的话，所起的副作用，叫我怎么顾孩子带孩子啊！真是糟糕。。。

有时在我比较 “正常” 一点的时候，我会尽量提醒自己要控制一点。但，每当一出什么状况或有什么让我非常 “不爽” 时，糟糕了，通常是很难控制得了的。即使还能控制得住，但多多少少都也好不到哪儿去。而且更糟的是。。。现在似乎很多东西或事情都很容易引起我的不满，“不爽”。。。甚至好像都想把全世界的人都给 “得罪” 了。。。 ：（

天哪，真希望我能够快点 “清醒” 过来。。。

如果我还能在这里写这些东西，应该证明我还不至于 “不清醒” 到那种地步吧？还有的救吧？

希望我能够再次 “修身养性”，再次多一点接触我的宗教，多念经及打坐。虽然就算我能再次做到这些并不代表我就能够恢复 “正常” 或解决所有面前的困难，但起码我的心与脾气能静一点，好一点。当我们能心情平和，即使有再多再大的问题或困难，我们也不会觉得是什么大问题，大困难了。 Well, those who believe will believe while those who do not believe will not believe. At least I believe in this (these) - 起码我相信。信则有，不信则无。

希望我快点接近 “正常” 一点。。。否则后果真不堪设想。。。也真怕以前精神科医生所警告的话会发生。阿弥陀佛。。。拜托帮帮忙。。。帮我让我的心能够平静一点，头脑清醒一点，脾气收敛一点吧，谢谢。希望大家多鼓励，多支持我一下吧。。。谢啦。

At Wits' End.... :(

When people are at their wits' end or are having endless trouble, all they can think of is..."Oh, it must be the feng shui..." or "Someone must have cast a black magic spell on me..." or something that may be beyond Science's explanation and may be also to go around searching for some help from some great Masters or to seek some solace via religion.

Well, we are one of them. We have been down on luck for many years. I believe it is due to our house fengshui. The fengshui of this house does not suit my husband and for certain rules (only the basic), my husband just cannot be bothered to do although I have told him to. I am not saying that I am an expert in this field but I do know a bit (now - last time used to have more knowledge but after some treatments done due to my health many years back, my memories are lost). I am also very angry with him because what ever advises I gave him, he simply refuses to listen and act on it (if need be) unless someone else (as long as it is not me) told him so (which are always EXACTLY the same thing as I have told him!)

Recently got worse. Both my children and myself are always sick. My baby was even hospitalised due to mycoplasma (that causes bronchitis and pneumonia) and long term diarrhoea. As for the diarrhoea, we were referred to a specialist in KK to 'confirm' the possiblity of lactose intolerance. We have switched to lactose-free milk formula and it has really improved. At least now his bowel movements are no longer so watery. If in two weeks time after we have seen the specialist to feedback on this and confirmed that my baby has to take this kind of milk formula for long term, then I'll have to 'get rid' of all my current unopened milk formula as I ordered in cartons :(

Not only my baby. My eldest gal, who had recovered from some 'funny' encounters not long ago, even my 2nd gal was also sick and had missed school for one whole week! As for myself, I am only recovering. There is something funny too. The other time I was actually having a high fever of 40 degree celsius but I could not feel any warmness, not even my family members! That's why I thought I wasn't having fever but found it strange because for a few days, I was seeing things 'yellowish' in colour which only happens so if I am having fever. So after the 3rd day, I just took my temperature and confirmed that I was having a fever...no wonder :(

Anyway, now everyone's recovering...and we have signed exclusive with an agent and are hunting for a flat now. Hope everything go smoothly and we can finally see some luck smiling on us. :)