Falling Apart

Things are starting to 'fall apart' for me now...my health, my kids, my family, our finance bla bla bla...

I am also 'distancing' myself with my religion and healing skills....

I do not pray at home anymore, not even chanting or what ever (yet I can ask my girl to try to pray and chant everyday if she can)...

I did not even use my healing power to try healing my children, husband or myself whenever they or myself are not feeling well (even my girl who knows also did not heal for us or herself unless I told her to do so)...

I hardly read nowadays...

I hardly surf net nor check my mails nowadays...

I hardly bother myself with my girls anymore...

I hardly bothered with anything...

I have even stopped taking my medication, which I am not supposed to...

I....

What else can I say?

That I have given my life and myself up? Probably...

I seem to be 'waiting' for 'something'...but I do not have any concrete idea on that...

I always have a kind of feeling...a feeling that I am like a plant, slowly dying off...that I am like a battery...one that is slowly losing it's power...

Am I waiting for my dooms day? No idea.

Or is something really waiting for me? No idea.

If yes, what can that be? I seem to have been assigned some great responsibility on me. Nope, I do not mean my family or children. It's something else, but I do not know what's that. Yet on the other hand, I have a feeling that I am really 'dying' like that. I just feel so weak...mentally, emotionally and physically.

I dislike these feelings. Unforseen type. WHY am I able to see (or rather, predict) others but not myself? Is this what the Chinese say "能医人却不能自医” （can cure/heal others but not ownself)？

I really hate it. Everything and everyone's been affected by me. By my health and emotion.

NASTY ME!!! I REALLY HATE MYSELF!!!