A TERRIBLE n MAD Woman now... =(

Now is already almost 11pm and I have not even taken my dinner yet. Just settled both my darlings...

I am getting more and more moody and down, always crying while showering or cry myself to sleep. Am always hiding to cry myself to...don't know what also...just feel super down and sad. Too many things have been weighing on me, really find it tough to '放下'. I am good in preaching but I can't do it myself...

I also have to act a tough one in front of others, even show a happy face when deep inside my heart, I am already bleeding profusely and full of holes...I am feeling terrible...

Recently have read some news on cruelties to babies or children and I will feel very angry and sad about it but hey, am I any better than those stupid cruel ppl who ill-treated, seriously abused or killed the babies or children? I AM NO BETTER!

I am always abusing my younger gal too...I am always verbally abusing her...I am always hurting her with my words...I can say all kinds of very cruel and hurtful words to her...it's like...if I do not hurt her I am not happy kind...

Am I her biological mother?! I am! Sure I am but WHY am I doing this to her when she is considered a good and sensible child already(although she had deteriorated, not as good as before). I don't even do this to my eldest gal although she is always giving me headache!

May be it's because now my younger gal is staying with us and so she is an easier 'target' plus she's weaker? I don't know why...WHY WHY WHY! Why must I let history repeat itself! My mother used to ill-treat me, always vent her anger on me and even treated me as transparent and now I am mentally torturing my own blood and flesh!!!

I am like a devil...I am getting more terrible nowadays...so much so that I even HATE MYSELF TO CORE!!! What right and who am I to get angry with ppl who are almost the same as me or I may be even worse than them?!

I am always having thoughts of killing myself...

I JUST HATE MYSELF!!!

I am really a terrible mother...a monster...a witch...a devil...when a 'mother' is supposed to be the most protective and loving being and is always the first to be with her child/children when something happens but ME????

In China, they would have said:" 这种人应该抓去枪毙！！！ "

Yes, how I wish...

What is happening to me? What should I do now? I really couldn't control myself anymore and medications not working for me!!!! What should I do? I really feel like dying...I am always crying myself to sleep...

I feel so lonely...so helpless...so useless and worthless...not surprising if one day I suddenly 'disappear', no more posting in forum and no more blog entries from me at all...then you all may guess that I could have been gone forever for good...

Seriously, I mean, why should ppl like me be alive to torture and be a burden of those around me? Why should their life or future be ruined because of me? Everyone would be spitting at me right now if I was the one in the news that had brought some terrible harm or caused the death of a child or whatever or whoever...so why pity this kind of ppl?

Pls, I seriously am pleading for HELPPPPPPP!!! Can someone just kill me for goodness sake!!! It's not that I dare not die...I have 'died' a few times but I just didn't die in the end. My time's not up yet or my eight characters are just too 'tough' (命硬 ). I also do not wish to commit suicide in case my younger gal will thought that she was the one who had brought upon my death and thus will feel guilty and remorseful then I dare not think what will she become after that...but if I am being killed is different. Things could be much better....

I really can't think anymore...yesterday's headache was enough to kill me but it did not...I always have such headache non-stop for 24hrs or more...continuously....NON-STOP. It's still there when I go to sleep and wake up with the pain still there...

Am thinking of seeking the help of a hypnotist but no recommendation...not sure how is it like and if it's expensive or I should try changing to another psychiatrist to see if things improve? It's not that I do not bother...for the sake of my children, I wanted, I wish and needed help for myself but...

I AM AT A LOST AGAIN....haiz... =(